Tomorrow will be two weeks since Linda's mom died and while we've been keeping ourselves busy with cleaning, painting, and moving things around I have been weighed down by the same feeling since she died. Now what?
For the past thirty five years, among living our daily lives, we, I, have had one primary responsibility and that was to support Linda and her mom and make sure they were taken care of. This became mostly about Doris since we moved to Palm Desert as she was clearly slowing down and needed more help. I also took on the support of my mom albeit to a lessor extent since she needed less help, until recently.
However with Doris now gone I can't get the feeling out of me of what do I do now? My daily routine was pretty set, wake up, feed the dog(s), make breakfast for Doris, make lunch, make sure she was taking her medications, fix her TV that she managed to mess up, rinse and repeat.
Each day since she died I feel like I'm forgetting to do something but I can't figure out what it is. With the passing of each day I've gotten more bothered by this feeling and now I've turned the, now what, into my new worry.
Believe me when I tell you this is something I have rarely ever wondered in my life. Honestly I never had the time to wonder what is my purpose in life because I was too busy working or playing and also because I never cared. Or maybe it was because I already had a purpose and didn't realize it. My purpose was taking care of those around me I guess.
For those who know me well you know introspection is not something I spend much time on. As the great Popeye the Sailor Man says, "I am's what I am's", and that was good enough for me. I didn't want to spend too much time looking into my soul because I was concerned that I would be as disappointed in myself as others have been in me for most of my life, or so my school counselors always told me.
I, we, still have the dog to take care of, although she is seventeen and likely won't see the Christmas season this year. My mother still needs my help to drive her places each week and while she is still on her own she is slowing down a titch herself. But honestly they aren't filling up my days with work or defining my purpose in life.
So what is my purpose now? I am still doing a weekly spot on my friends radio station, The Breeze, and that is fun. I have this blog which I have neglected for the past month as things were going on here that took more of my time but now I will be back on a regular schedule with my rantings. I have two books on Amazon that are collecting dust but they are still out there and I probably have another couple in me if I just take the time to sit down and get started on them. I do find writing them satisfying to write and the experience is enjoyable for me.
Summer is coming so I can get back to golfing once the rates come down back to reasonable. Right now it cost over $120 a round to play the courses I like to play when by June they will be $30 and include lunch so I don't mind taking the season off at those prices. But none of these things define my purpose I don't feel.
This is something I never focused on in life but would occasionally wonder while sitting idly on another airplane going to somewhere I would rather not be headed, "is this what I was put here to do?" I always was jealous of those that found their calling in life early and became doctors, lawyers, or whatever they decided to do. I never felt what I was doing was what I was meant to do but I just kept plowing ahead doing it.
Now that I am on the back nine of life I am afraid that I will be gone before I do what I was meant to do. It might be too late already as what I was meant to do should have been done many years ago, who knows. I just feel in my heart that whatever it is, is staring me in the face and I can't see it and I'm never going to figure it out and get it done. It is extremely frustrating.
You know how when your are trying to remember something and its right there at the tip of your brain but you just can't bring it into focus? Well that's how I feel right now and it is driving me bonkers. It is something that I have to work out for myself and maybe I never will. I like to think of myself as being a pretty clear thinking person who is able to quickly make decisions and implement them successfully. I hope I have the same result on this soon.