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  • Dan Marich

Real People Summer Olympics


The Tokyo 2020 Summer Olympics have ended, and while there were plenty of emotions, stories, and great athletic achievements, many of us just can't relate to what these highly trained athletes can do with their skills.


I have taken it upon myself, because I am a world class humanitarian and giver, and have created the, Real People Summer Olympics (TM) (R) (C). (Available on pay-per-view only)


I reserve the right to add additional events before the next games begin, but this will be a solid start. I hope you enjoy the events.

Let's start with Track. Unlike traditional events these are all things we real people are used to doing in our daily lives. Of course we would set up age groups to keep it fair when competing so you wouldn't have a twenty something racing against a senior.


The first event, shown above on the left, is the Racing to the Gate 50K walk. The object of this event is to, get to, park, check-in, clear security, and get to your gate at O'Hare Airport before your scheduled flight departs. You will be carrying a garment bag, briefcase, and large coffee. Men will be in a suit and tie with new and slippery leather shoes, and ladies will, of course, be wearing high heels.


Next up, in the middle picture above, will be the Walker 100M, 200M, 400M, 1500M, and 5000M Races. The speed races will have wheeled walkers but to add a difficulty level to the distance races it will be tennis ball walkers only. The senior divisions are expected to set the pace here since they have the most experience.


Finally, pictured on the right above, will be the marathon Chasing Grandchildren/Children Around The Playground event. Obstacles will include teeter-totters, swings, Jungle Jim's, spinning wheels, and assorted other things. Competitors will be also holding, water bottles, wipes, coats, gloves, shoes, and diapers. The kids will be constantly changed out to keep them fresh thru all five rounds.

Now for the always difficult Field Events. On the left, above, we will begin with Beer Pong. Since nobody can play ping pong like the pros, beer pong is a game all can play. There will be team and individual events. As you would expect, college kids are expected to dominate. Rules will be the same as any college campus. If you miss you chug a beer and if you win you chug a beer. In fact, chugging a beer for any reason, at any time, will be encouraged.


In the middle picture above is an event that will create, not only excitement, but nostalgia. Horseshoe Throwing will be a key event in week two as teams of two, and individuals, will go head to head in a best of seven match. Cigars and beer will be provided for all that want them.


Finally, we will close out the field portion of the games with the popular Parent Triple Jump Over Kids Toys On The Stairs speed race. Toys will be spread randomly, and competitors will be trying to avoid serious injury, getting down, and up, the stairs with the lights both on and off. A do not miss event to be sure.

There will be only one Boating event, but it will be a barnburner. This event is held at many lakes around the world but we're calling it The Buckeye Lake Poker Run. Players will start off from the yacht club with 5 minute intervals between boats. The object is the stop at each of the fifteen bars set up around the lake. While there, they will have to have at least one alcoholic drink and pick up a playing card. At the end of the fifteen stops the player(s) with the best poker hand will be the winner. There will be team and individual events.

While we are at the lake, we will also be holding the swimming events here too, at the yacht club pool. There will be the 50M, 200M, and 1500M swim. The catch here is that the pool will remain open to kids, and others, to swim, float on rafts, and cannonball off the sides, while the swimmers are trying to navigate around them. Don't expect any world records to be set here.

Now we come to the premier events of these Olympics, Beer Cart Golf and 16" Softball. Golf will be familiar to many of you that have participated in any corporate, or league, golf tournaments. This will be individual and team events. The individual event will be based on low score with handicaps and a minimum of three drinks from the beer carts roaming the course. The team event will, of course, be a scramble, and besides the beer cart, there will be ice chests of beer on each tee. The one time players can both go low and get high.


Finally, we will close out these Olympics with a round robin tournament of 16" softball. It will all come down to the final game between the two surviving teams for the gold medal. A portable bar will be set up at each game for competitors and fans alike. The Chicago teams are expected to win, but anything can happen in 16".


So there you have the Real People Summer Olympics line-up. These are all games the average Jane and Joe can understand and get behind. It should be fun.

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