In a moment of insanity I foolishly agreed to spend quality time with six of the seven girls from high school that tortured me for any number of things during my formative years of seventeen through twenty-three. Now that isn't to say they didn't continue afterwards but then I got married and I had protection from Linda to help me.
What we, and by we I mean they, agreed to was to get together, just us, no spouses, for a period of time this summer to celebrate our collective seventieth birthday's. I must have been borderline drunk because I said, "what could possibly go wrong, sure let's do it!"
As you can see, none of us has changed a bit since 1978.
Ever since I agreed to this I have been having nightmares about the whole thing. I keep remembering how hanging out with them started out so cool and fun and ended up with me basically being the Hoke Colburn character from Driving Miss Daisy but not in a nice way.
We would have parties in the basement of one of their houses where my reason for being there was to supply them with Boone's Farm wine and cheap beer. They would get drunk and make me and Tim Vincent dance with them knowing we had no idea how to dance. Then they would force us to drive them to O'Hare airport so they could walk around and make fun of everyone, back in the day when you could go anywhere at the airport.
I had other jobs with them like driving them to Lake Geneva, Woodfield, downtown Chicago, and other places. I was also an unpaid bodyguard when they were out in public in case some strange boy might approach, like me and my bulky 130 pounds was going to stop anyone.
Anyway back to this "celebration". Somehow lost in translation was their belief that I would be spending an entire week with them when in my head it was pretty clear it would be one night and two days total. That made some of them angry that they would only have a limited amount of time to torture me and further fueled my concern about what they might do to me with this shortened window of opportunity.
Wait a minute. How did these get in here?
Luckily I will have Randy at this just in case I need to tag out for relief. They are already fighting over who gets to sleep with me for the one night. I'm bringing a mosquito net in case I can sneak out and sleep on the patio alone.
My Linda keeps telling me it will be fun but I think she may be in cahoots with them in order for them to kill me and dispose of the body. If anyone knows how to hide a body it is Linda who has read every murder book ever written. High school Linda, pictured above left, keeps texting me with questions. "Do you own your own handcuffs?", What size diapers do you wear?" "Are you allergic to any creams?" It does give me pause I have to admit.
I'm pretty sure Chris is worried too because she has already said her condition for attending is her own room. If she is that worried, and she was the one to introduce them to me, then I feel justified in being concerned myself. The one I'm very worried about is Ellen. She may be short but she is like a wolf who won't let go once she senses blood.
I know Jane will be happy to put on the music and dance the night away so she will be preoccupied and it will be one less to keep an eye on. The wild card will be the one I've know almost as long as Chris and that is Sarah. When we were all discussing sleeping arrangements and I, jokingly, suggested she and I could share a room all I got was a rather unnerving smiley face back. My palms are sweating just remembering that.
I have begun a workout regimen to get some muscle back in case I need to fight for my life. I know, you're thinking jeez Dan, they're grown women, how hard will it be to fight them? Have you ever seen a pack of coyotes going in for the kill?
The good news is after this brief get together I will be safely in the company of Tom.
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