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  • Dan Marich

Which Doctor Are We Seeing Today?

October kicks off the most exciting season of the year for all of us old people. The days are getting shorter, the weather is changing, and doctor visits are up. We go from being locked up since March, to a parade of office visits, and tests, in a blink of an eye.

Including the last three days of September, there are twenty-five workdays this month. Our household has a whopping 44% of those days scheduled for doctor visits or tests. Eleven days this month we will be taking a deep breath, and holding it, then slowly releasing the air.


I would have to do some research, but I'm pretty sure I didn't have eleven doctor visits between 1972 and 2008. We literally spend less time at the grocery store than we do in doctors offices. My desk calendar looks like the Nightly News story schedule.

I have an infected tooth, that has already had root canal done on it, but they didn't get it all. Back under I go to have that fixed, so that I can once again chew on my right side. Here's good news. Linda's 93 year old mom woke up this morning with the same tooth infected in her mouth, so today it is her turn to see the dentist, who will tell her to go see the oral surgeon.

Her mom alone has three different doctor visits scheduled for just this week. The dentist, her GP, and her Optometrist. I started my adventures with an eye doctor visit at the end of September. We should get a group discount.


Monday I was in the cardiologists office for two hours getting my yearly battery of tests and ultrasounds. (Bad news, still not pregnant, so it must be the cake that has made me gain five pounds.) All this in preparation to spend another two hours seeing my actual cardiologist and GP, so that they can tell me to stop eating, and start exercising, for the sixth straight visit. Why won't they just accept the fact it is not going to happen and move on to something else? And by the way, who would have ever thought I would have a cardiologist?

Not wanting to be left out, one of our two Jack Russell terrorists has been vet busy themselves. Mabel had a giant jawbreaker sized cyst removed from her head, and $600 later, we get to go back so they can remove the 15 staples they needed to close it up.

She was the cheapest so far this month, so I guess it is back to working the streets for me during the holidays. "Hi sailor!" Speaking of sailors, we're spending money like a drunk one on leave.


Ever since we've retired we are busier than ever. Besides seeing doctors every other day, we have become close personal friends with the pharmacy staff at Walgreens. It bothers me that they don't ask us for our names and addresses anymore when picking up prescriptions. Instead it is "hi Linda, great to see you again." In my younger years I put several bartenders through college, now I'm the main contributor to a pharmacists kids college fund. "Wow. Stanford, huh. Good luck to Timmy."


Getting older has never really bothered me. In my head I'm still in eighth grade, until I look in the mirror. What bothers me is the complete breakdown of body and mind that is going on right now. I had an opinion poll company call me the other night, and I couldn't remember the name of the local newspaper that I read every single day.


I feel like I'm living in my favorite Far Side cartoon. A man is sitting on the side of his bed and he is looking at a sign on his mirror that says, first pants, then shoes. Getting old sucks.

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